Halloween 2009

Dressing up for Halloween is really fun since everyone in the "office" participates--and this year was great. I had a wonderful costume that involved a big white sheet, white face paint, and a little baby ghostie. I safety pinned a baby ghostie to the belly of my ghost costume to let little Pat Shea join in the fun of Halloween with everyone else. It was pretty gross and creepy, which made it so fitting for all of us--it was the best thing I could do that didn't involve painting my naked belly (which I would NEVER do, because ew).





One nice thing is that, while my white sheet is getting dirtier and dirtier and making my pants so dirty all day, you have no idea how big my belly is.

Halloween is great, not just because we eat treats all day at work and watch Haunting episodes and have Halloween Power Hours all month, but it's also Crystal's birthday--Happy Birthday, Crystal!

And I am totally sugared out. I can't wait to go home and take a nap.

Week 12

So here we are, and I am HUGE. I didn't realize how big I am until I saw the picture Crystal posted of me at the Patrick Byrne Private Event/Wallflowers concert Friday night.

And then there is the obligatory picture.

Enjoy.

Still Sick with a New Twist

*******WARNING: NOT FOR EMILY*********

So, this morning, as I was brushing my teeth, the inevitable happened. I've had a really hard time brushing my teeth and doing a good job because of my gag reflex (I've done as well as I could manage, but today it was just too much for me). I wasn't feeling super well, and I ate delicious oatmeal that I put blueberries and milk and wheat germ in for breakfast, but I wanted a sweet treat, so I also made some delicious cocoa. Something was too much for me--I really hope it wasn't the cocoa because it was such a tiny pleasure.

But I threw it all up in the sink while I was in the middle of brushing my teeth. All of it. And the funny thing was, just as I had been hoping and suspecting and wishing, I felt so much better after that was over. I just knew it! For months I've been incredibly sick and just wishing I could throw up, even though that is the least appealing thing on earth, I was so envious of the girls who could just puke when they felt so sick. And it was everything I hoped it would be. I felt better, more energized, and so much less sick.

So, here I am at work, dreading the moment I get hungry because I don't know what is going to happen, but I'm feeling a little better as long as I'm not eating. This is the longest I've been at work without eating in a very long time. But I am drinking some water, which is helping to calm my stomach. And I have three different kinds of soup, depending on what I think I'll be able to handle. I'm hoping I can eat that delicious hot and sour soup I made. That was nice, easy, fun, and delicious. But not to my mind right now.

I hate not being able to enjoy the thought of food! The nausea is supposed to be waning (from everything I've read), but it's just not--it's here with full force, back to how I was before I started feeling a little better--back to all of the scents in the office killing me, back to even the thought of food making me want to die. Someday. Someday. Someday. I'll be a normal person again who can talk about food 24 hours a day, like I always do. I can't wait--but I keep having to be reminded that all of this is worth it and it's the sign of a good, healthy pregnancy. And in about 6 1/2 months, we'll have a little baby. Won't that be fun? Right now, I just can't see it.

Horrific Dream

Hooray! I've totally caught up and can now just post things as I write them. That will be fun.

So, last night I had a horrible dream and I totally blame Joel because he sent around the video at work yesterday with those HUGE tarantula spiders. So in my dream, there were two incredibly huge tarantulas in our apartment and Michael wanted to save them for some stupid reason. I hated them and was screaming and just wanted them to go away. But then they turned into super adorable hyena-looking puppies--I'm not exactly sure what they were, but they were cute, little furry, cudly animals that normal people would want for a pet. So I thought, maybe we could keep them, but then I remembered that we have a baby on the way and now is not the time to be getting pets. But then they turned back into tarantulas and I hated them again. They were awful and huge and scary. Then, in my dream, I went to bed. I woke up and the spiders were walking into my bedroom--it was awful. I screamed for Michael to help me, and he did finally come, but he took forever. In the meantime, they turned back into the sweet pups. Then they turned back into tarantulas and jumped on my bed. That was the worst part, but then Michael finally got there and picked them up with paper towels and disposed of them forever. My hero.

Stupid Joel. Doesn't he know that my dreams are so real and vivid and he should NEVER do that to a pregnant girl? It was absolutely terrifying.

Back to Sick

October 22, 2009

Don't worry. The nausea is still alive and kicking. I was so excited to just be able to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, but that will not be the case forever, it feels like. This morning, I was totally fine until I walked out of the door this morning. As I walked up the stairs, I started feeling so sick I debated just going right back inside. But I walked to Emily's house instead of just going back to bed. So now I'm at work today, suffering through intense bouts of nausea to have those small moments where it seems totally fine to eat a Crystal Stick--and I've eaten two today, so I can't be doing too badly.

I brought some delicious eggs with cheese, celery, and red peppers for lunch today, but I just can't make myself eat it. I guess I shouldn't gain as much weight as I've been gaining, because I'm already so incredibly huge, so I guess it's fine. Eating delicious food all the time is totally overrated, anyway. (But I don't really believe that--because I live for delicious food).

All of the nausea is supposed to be gone by the end of the month for sure, so that is really nice. I can only hope it's for real. Even if I can't just eat whatever I want whenever I want, it'll be so nice to at least not want to die instead of eat anything. Once or twice a day, I try really hard to force myself to eat something just because I should and not just because I can eat it. It's working pretty well.

Except, I can't eat salad anymore, no matter how much I try, which is really sad. I ate salad every day for over two weeks, and now I just can't do it. But I can't eat treats very well, either. I'm slowly easing into it, but it's really hard because I usually just want to eat treats. Now I eat healthful snacks and meals. But it's nice to eat a little treat after a meal. Meals are nice, too.

My Skin These Days

October 21

So, for the last few weeks, my skin has been SO greasy and oily and lame. I wash my face in the morning, and by the time I get home, I just feel like I haven't washed my face in weeks. It's really sad and a little pathetic.

I think that my face is getting past the really broken-out phase and I'm just in the super oily phase, which is different and probably better, but not ideal. I'm so shiny all the time. But I worry about washing my face too much because what if my skin gets so dry I break out again (even more)--that would be devastating.

My skin is totally changing, but it's nice that I didn't have to suffer through my usual super-dry-skin-every-day in August and September. It's so nice to not have to pull out my face lotion 20 times a day at work. Occasionally (like once a month or maybe twice) I'll use my eye lotion, but that is it. It's been really nice.

Except that my hair is greasier than before, too. Oh, well. More washing clothes and washing me for the next months and months.

Week 11 Begins

October 20, 2009

Wow. This is the craziest thought ever. Our sweet little baby is two inches long and is getting little hair follicles! He is just too cute. I can't wait to hug him!

I've sort of been dabbling in taking my measurements, just to see how things are going, and I just can't believe how big I'm getting already. I've gained about 7 inches around my waist and an inch and a half on my hips--which is crazy. My hips did get so unbelievably sore until I started using a leg pillow (which was long forgotten under my bed because it's impossible to cuddle with a huge pillow in the way). But it's back and now my hips aren't sore anymore. It's funny to think that I may come out of this with a more womanly figure. Ha! I've always tried to embrace by boyish hips and I never minded that clothes fit strangely because I didn't have hips. But will that change forever or just for the next 8-10 months-ish? What an adventure I'm embarking on! And I can't wait.

There will be a picture this week--again, sorry for last week, but it's really not THAT big of a deal to miss one little week. When I measured Monday morning, I had only gained about half an inch in the last week, so just pretend this picture is the one for last week, too, and it'll be fine.

(Oopsie--I posted the wrong picture. This was week 9's. But now it's week 11's.)

The End of Nausea?

October 18, 2009

Slowly, it seems the nausea is subsiding. It's strange. A couple days ago, I woke up and didn't wish I could just die, even though I hadn't eaten anything for about 10 hours. But I am still nauseated by lotion smells. It was about a week ago that I could start to smell different foods without wanting to die. That was amazing. There are still some foods that make me sick, though, but I'm pretty sure it's just the foods I didn't like the smell of before. But today, I wake up and I'm hungry and I have to go potty and I'm so hungry because I haven't eaten in 12 hours so I'm feeling a bit sick, but it's nothing I can't handle. It's not an overpowering nausea that deters me from eating any and all food--it's an aching hunger so eating seems the natural solution (unlike that stupid all-day morning sickness where food is the only thing that helps but is the most repulsive thing on earth). It feels great.

If only I could find something appetizing.

That's the strange thing. I used to only want to eat the same thing every day for months--spaghetti, curry, different types of Indian foods, soup and sandwiches, or whatever. And then I would make it and eat it for months and then change to a new thing. But now, I find it really hard to eat the same thing twice in a row. I made amazing blueberry pandacakes yesterday for breakfast and they were SO good, but I feel so sick of them. I've been trying to make smaller portions of things--going with recipes that make 4 servings (or say they do) instead of my usual 10. But what a recipe says is 4 servings, I've learned is really closer to 6 or 7, and when a recipe says that it makes 12 pandacakes dropped from a 1/4-cup measuring cup, it really means 18, so everyone is a big, fat liar. But Michael has been better about eating leftovers than he's ever been, so we haven't had to throw anything away yet, which is nice.

But I'm hungry now, so I really should eat a little snack so I can eat again before church so I won't have to pop Quaker Oatmeal Squares all through church again this week--I feel bad (especially because I'm still trying to hide it from everyone even though I am CLEARLY in maternity clothes and there is really no doubt about my condition--adorable, huh?

The First Real Appointment

October 15, 2009

First, sorry to miss the week 10 picture--there is a lot more to see, obviously, but Michael's and my schedules have been such that he hasn't been able to take the picture, and that is the only way I want it.

So, today was our first real appointment with the midwife. She is wonderful! And adorable! And a really sweet (and so skinny!) motherly--and heading towards grandmotherly--figure. But Cheryl didn't introduce herself to us when we went back to start the appointment, which was a little unsettling for me, but maybe she already figured we were all friends already. I don't know. But Margy is just too cute. And she is super sweet and so helpful. She spent quite awhile with us, so it seemed to me, at least. And she would just stop and answer all of my lame questions (and the not-so-lame ones, too). What a great experience we had.

Then there was the baby's heartbeat. She went to find the baby's heartbeat, and I started freaking out because it seemed like it took her forever to find it. It was just my heartbeat (which was kind of racing, so she had to make sure it was mine and not a REALLY slow baby's heartbeat--but I was so nervous it wouldn't be there). But the good news is that the baby didn't disappear! His little heartbeat sounds like the shhhhing of a train, so sweet. Margy said she predicted the baby will be a girl--and she's right 51-percent of the time. We'll see. I'm sticking with the generic masculine "he" until we know for sure. And that could be as early as December 22! Hooray!

I feel like I made the right decision--which is a wonderful thing. She told me that Gayle was joking with her that Michael and I must have conceived on the way home, but Margy's calculations are with ours--the one or two days before the appointment is when it all came together. Which is awesome. She said that this has happened to Gayle before (not quite so fast, though), but, apparently Gayle is known as a miracle worker who doesn't have to do any work--like you schedule the appointment and then you just end up pregnant. Bless her heart! I'm glad I made the right choice there, too.

All in all, a wonderful day, full of great things, but no delicious treats, because my tummy is SO upset.

What's New

October 10, 2009

I cannot remember how it feels to not be completely sick to my stomach. Eating doesn't entirely alleviate the horrific nausea. I honestly don't remember what being healthy feels like. It's strange, isn't it? I mean, I haven't even been pregnant for 10 weeks even, so I've only been sick for about six weeks now, but I can't remember what it feels like to be able to eat what I want, not want to vomit all the time, not be so huge, not have every part of my body hurt and ache, not be so incredibly tired I can't stay up for three hours after work, not hate every scent I smell (whether or not I liked it before I was pregnant--now I just can't handle any lotion, perfume, or other artificial fragrance), and so on and on. The crazy thing is that now, many food smells don't bother me so much any more, which is awesome, because for a couple of weeks there, I thought I would have to quit my job--between the endless lotion and food smells permeating the office--but now, I rest assured I won't always feel like this. I just can't imagine what it feels like to be a normal person. But I can't wait to rediscover it!

Crazy Dreams

10/9/09

So, two nights ago, I had the strangest dream. It was in my first session of nightly sleep, the one before I wake up and make sure Michael is home and ready for bed. I dreamt that I had the baby--he was a boy, and we named him what we planned--and I was still pregnant. Then, like two weeks later, we had another baby boy and we waffled about his name. The birth was so fast that I had him at home all by myself, but it wasn't bad. It was actually really easy (wishful thinking?). Then I wrapped up the baby and put him in a clothes basket, because we still hadn't gotten a crib yet. I hadn't paid any attention at all to the older baby because I was still so preoccupied with being pregnant. And, after the second one was born, I thought that maybe it was time to go to the hospital, and, because Michael had already gotten home, we debated going to the emergency room or where we should go.

It was a really strange dream, and when I woke up and told Michael about it, he was certain I thought it was an omen that we're having twins. He looked at me kind of gravely and said, "So, you think we're having twins, then?" And I had to explain to him it was just a dream and that a lot of fears were at play here--being alone when I have the baby, not having a crib for him (or her!), having twins, not necessarily any of which will really happen. I hope none of that happens.

I really enjoy having very vivid dreams. And pregnancy dreams all revolve around the baby, for the most part.

I also had a dream later that night, in my last session of sleep, that Cathy's (Cathy is the really nice girl who lives upstairs) dog Abby died. We didn't know for weeks, but we hadn't heard her, so we asked Cathy how Abby was doing. It was the saddest moment ever. Abby means the world to Cathy and she is a really nice dog. Why would I have such a mean dream? It makes me feel really bad. I don't want to ever tell Cathy that I had such a horrible dream about her sweet puppy. Don't tell Cathy! She is so nice and I love Abby, even when she wakes me up in the middle of the night.

Week 9

October 6, 2009

So, we're officially at week 9. I can't believe it's only been 9 weeks--only three since we found out ourselves. I'm incredibly huge! I don't necessarily feel pregnant, though, except for my huge belly, so it's easy to forget or think that maybe the baby disappeared and I'm just getting really fat.

But I am getting really excited. It's funny that I am already in maternity clothes--well, shirts, anyway, because my pants are so big and sit so low anyway I will probably wear them for months--which is a blessing for out budget. It amazes me that my belly can be so big when the baby is still so tiny and I can't even feel him (or her).

But here is the picture of me at 9 weeks (taken a day late because I forgot to have Michael do it before he left for work on Tuesday). How does it compare to last week?

The Big Announcement (Preface)

October 2, 2009

Monday, I'm going to make the big announcement at work, and I am so excited I just can't stand it.

It's going to be cute. I'm just going to make a quick batch of shortbread cookies with pink and blue frosting and have a word scramble that will spell out "Amanda is having a baby." It's going to be so adorable. That is for the kids in my office. For my friends who have been banished up to Corporate, I'm going to send an email that has a picture of me + a picture of Michael = a picture of a baby. I think it's totally an adorable idea. I can't wait to actually do it. It's going to be really fun.

8 Weeks Already

October 2, 2009

So, I'm now entering my 9th week of pregnancy. The waiting for the first real appointment is killing me. I can't believe it's still two weeks away. In the meantime, I'm left alone with my crazy fears. The one I just can't shake is the same one I had when I went for the ultrasound--that the baby won't be there. Except that, unlike the ultrasound, I fear the baby will somehow vaporize, or disintegrate, or otherwise disappear, because we have the adorable picture of the peanut baby on the fridge right now. So I know that the baby did exist at one point. But every moment that I'm not totally sick to my stomach, I get so nervous that I'm not pregnant anymore and the baby disappeared. Michael keeps insisting to me that is the absolute last thing that would ever happen and it isn't even the realm of possibility. But I can't stop fearing it.

This morning, I woke up and didn't feel fat and pregnant anymore, and I freaked out until I looked in the mirror and saw that the belly is still there. That is comforting. I love that my belly is already getting so big.

Here's a great picture of me right after I got home from work and right before I had to take a nap. It's taken exactly at 8 weeks, going into the 9th week. I'm not joking--I'm huge (and it's not bloating, I promise--I haven't been bloated for weeks now).

The Trial of My Faith

It has been a really long road, and I am pleasantly surprised to be pregnant so soon--I didn't think it would happen for at least a year, but I am just so grateful. Now that the wait is over, it's easier to talk about how incredibly hard it's been for me to have to wait this long--and, really, it's only three years, so it's not really that long--but it has been so hard to want something so badly that I feel like I will never have. It was hard to see everyone I know having babies like it wasn't a big deal, while I have been praying and yearning for one for years--really before I got married, even (because I'm getting so old). After years of trying and not wanting to consult with anyone about it, I kept pushing away the idea of getting help from a specialist. I kept getting the nudging feeling and the thought came into my head that this is just a trial of my faith--how far was I willing to go for this? How much did I really want it? So, finally, I made the appointment. And I went to the appointment. And then we started working on doing things to help me get pregnant. Finally, I was just too sick to deal with it anymore and took another pregnancy test. I don't know why I did that--except that I kept feeling that I should--but I am glad that I did. But then I had to take another one because I couldn't believe it. After taking dozens of pregnancy tests over the last couple years, I couldn't fathom seeing a positive result.

After the ultrasound, we did the math back to find the date of conception (which is about 2 weeks after they start counting) and it was the date I went to that appointment. That is when Michael finally believed me that it was my faith that was lacking and I just needed to act on it for good things to happen. But we're having a baby.

I cannot express my joy at knowing that I will have my own baby in such a short amount of time. How does anyone get ready for a baby with such short notice? But I'm just so happy, and I know that after the trial of my faith, everything is just perfect. We're having a baby and starting the family I always wanted to have. My own baby, well Michael's and my own baby. It's a magnificent thought. How did this happen? I thought it would surely take longer for it all to come together, but I always knew I would have my first baby at 30, just like I always knew but never wanted to believe that I would get married at 26. It's just how it goes. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

It's kind of strange/crazy/lame that I look at it this way, sure. But it's also totally miraculous that it happened at all, and so close to the day where I actually did something instead of just pray and wish and hope.

Our First Ultrasound

September 22, 2009

Wow. I can't believe it. On our 37-month wedding anniversary, we went to the dr for our very first ultrasound. What an experience. Because of everything that has been going on, we had no idea when we got pregnant, so we had to go for an ultrasound so they could let us know.

And we are 7 weeks today (according to the ultrasound). We got to see our sweet little baby and see the heartbeat and take a picture home with us to hang on the fridge. Our baby is due May 11. What a wonderful day. I am so excited.

I called my mom and told her first, then my dad called after he got off work and I told him. Then I called Chelsea and talked to her, and then I left a message for Joseph. But I am waiting to call Rachael because of how pushy she has been about it the whole time I've been married. So I'll call her sometime--we'll see. I have to write a note to Grandma Pauliney and Pop-Pop to let them know. We'll tell Michael's parents this weekend, hopefully. If we can't get together with his dad and Laura, we'll have to wait to tell them. But I really want to tell family before I tell any friends, but I don't know how I can keep a secret from Emily because we're carpooling now and I am just ready to burst with excitement! I want everyone to know and be happy for me and excited for the baby, too. When my dad called, he was so excited and he just said "Yes! I am so happy for you" and I could tell he was crying and it made me cry, too. Having everyone be so excited makes all of the horrific sickness seem worth it--and to see the tiny little peanut baby on the ultrasound was so unreal. I'm having a baby!

Just being sick

September 21, 2009

Having a baby still seems so unreal, except for the massive nausea I suffer all day, every day. I just can't get comfortable and I just can't get my stomach settled. I don't know what to do--every food item sounds just awful. But if I can manage to eat something, it settles my stomach for a very short moment. It's the actual putting-something-in-my-mouth that is the hard part. Even thinking about it makes me sick. And it's that awful kind of sick--like I can't even throw up, but I wish so much that I could because I know it would make me feel better. I am so sick, all I can do is whine to Michael about how my tummy hurts. It feels awful, and I just have to remember that I won't last forever and it will be totally worth it once this is over. But for now, I feel so incredibly sick. I can't even work--I go to work, sure, but while I'm there, I'm just feeling awful.

Worth the Wait

9/20/09

Words can't express how happy and excited I am about the future.

Today, I know that life is good and God exists and I am happy. I'm not excited with a giddy, school-girl excitement--it's a calm, quiet happiness that overflows my being, one that I can't express in words. All I can say is I am happy.

And there is no mistake.