The Trial of My Faith

It has been a really long road, and I am pleasantly surprised to be pregnant so soon--I didn't think it would happen for at least a year, but I am just so grateful. Now that the wait is over, it's easier to talk about how incredibly hard it's been for me to have to wait this long--and, really, it's only three years, so it's not really that long--but it has been so hard to want something so badly that I feel like I will never have. It was hard to see everyone I know having babies like it wasn't a big deal, while I have been praying and yearning for one for years--really before I got married, even (because I'm getting so old). After years of trying and not wanting to consult with anyone about it, I kept pushing away the idea of getting help from a specialist. I kept getting the nudging feeling and the thought came into my head that this is just a trial of my faith--how far was I willing to go for this? How much did I really want it? So, finally, I made the appointment. And I went to the appointment. And then we started working on doing things to help me get pregnant. Finally, I was just too sick to deal with it anymore and took another pregnancy test. I don't know why I did that--except that I kept feeling that I should--but I am glad that I did. But then I had to take another one because I couldn't believe it. After taking dozens of pregnancy tests over the last couple years, I couldn't fathom seeing a positive result.

After the ultrasound, we did the math back to find the date of conception (which is about 2 weeks after they start counting) and it was the date I went to that appointment. That is when Michael finally believed me that it was my faith that was lacking and I just needed to act on it for good things to happen. But we're having a baby.

I cannot express my joy at knowing that I will have my own baby in such a short amount of time. How does anyone get ready for a baby with such short notice? But I'm just so happy, and I know that after the trial of my faith, everything is just perfect. We're having a baby and starting the family I always wanted to have. My own baby, well Michael's and my own baby. It's a magnificent thought. How did this happen? I thought it would surely take longer for it all to come together, but I always knew I would have my first baby at 30, just like I always knew but never wanted to believe that I would get married at 26. It's just how it goes. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

It's kind of strange/crazy/lame that I look at it this way, sure. But it's also totally miraculous that it happened at all, and so close to the day where I actually did something instead of just pray and wish and hope.